Becks

Only in America is a washed-up has-been worth $250 million. And only in America is that not so bad a deal, actually.

Once upon a time, to be sure, David Robert Joseph Beckham was one of the world's premier footballers. But so was the Model T one of the world's top automobiles. Right this second? Not so much.

The man had a dreadful World Cup, two years after a dreadful European Championships. He's started only eight of his current team's 31 season games -- of which the team lost six. He's shanked key kicks, was red-carded in 1998, and fucking wept through England's crash-out in the Cup last summer, to be summarily dismissed from the England squad a month later.

But he's still the only Englishman to score in three World Cup finals, he was part of a treble-winning team, and he is quite possibly the best there ever was -- the G.O.A.T.!! -- with free-kicks.

So. After 15 years in football's top ranks, on football's top teams -- Man U and Real Madrid, both of whom are as despicable as the New York Yankees -- Becks is cashing out. But in style.

Rather than attempt to resuscitate his standings, he's opting for a full-length paid vacation in Major League Soccer. MLS is more respectable than it was, but it's still akin to driving a Volkswagen to work instead of a Ferrari. And instead of playing in Europe or in Asia, where his fame rivals that of Jesus and the Prophet Muhammad, he'll go to LA, where he'll have to compete with Tom and Katie, Paris and Nicky, and whatever other shit the gossip rags treat as legitimate news. In short -- he's copping out.

But what a cop out. $250 million, which is probably what the whole of MLS would fetch at auction.

Still, it's savvy. Becks' name alone is a marketing super-conductor. Merch and ticket sales should go through the roof. And if they do, the washed-up 31-year old, well past the prime of his career, will take home $1,000,000 a week. For five years. For playing soccer. Even in the offseason. When he's not actually playing. Soccer.